The Talk
by EmilyB
Summary: Serena and friends get "the female talk" in gym class.


The Talk  
Rated PG  
Serena and everyone else belong to the wonderful woman who invented them, not to me. I just borrowed them for this story.  
This is my first attempt at intentional humor, as opposed to gigantic failures that just make people laugh. Enjoy reading and have mercy on my soul. Emily  
  
  
  
  
  
Serena stifled a yawn as Miss Haruna blabbed on about how to multiply fractions, or something. She wasn't quite sure. Yeah, those were definitely fractions, but what the hell those other squiggles were she didn't know. Her brain went on autopilot, and the teacher faded to background noise. Her blue eyes slowly gravitated together, visions of Darien in boxer shorts dancing in her head. She'd nearly drifted off --with a big smile on her face-- only to hear the bell ring for the next class. Serena cussed under her breath, but stumbled to her feet and out the door. Melvin and Molly, having respective days just as wonderful, joined her in the hallway. They headed to their next class together: gym.  
  
"Welcome to phys ed, home of pommelhorses, iron maidens, kickballs and thumbscrews!" Melvin, even sarcastic, was far too enthusiastic for comfort; Molly swung her book-filled backpack at him. Serena just whined.  
  
"Aww, do we have to go to gym? I'm pooped! I ran my ass off last night with that stupid Nega-- I mean, my jogging buddies. I can still feel the burn." Literally, she thought, remembering her melted boots thanks to Rei's bad temper and worse aim. The trio neared the arena. "I need to recuperate before tonight's, um, workout. Why can't we have naptime instead? It's not fair!" She wailed again.  
  
Unfortunately, the gym teacher, Mr. Roid, heard her. "If you're energetic enough to make that much noise, young lady, you have enough energy to run a few laps before we start class!" The class watched from the benches, giggling, as she ran around the gym in her school clothes. Eleven laps later, a stinky and out-of-breath Serena collapsed onto the bleachers with the rest of the class. Melvin and Molly groaned and surreptitiously inched away when she plopped down next to them.  
  
"Now, if television hasn't totally rotted your brains away, you may be wondering why I didn't have you change into your gym uniforms," began Mr. Roid. Melvin nodded vigorously, glancing distastefully at Serena. She stuck her tongue out at him, and Molly elbowed them both in the ribs. Mr. Roid glared at all three.  
  
"IF I may begin! Now, instead of the three-mile timed run I had planned for today, you'll have a--" he looked at a sheet of paper, grimaced, "an educational speaker. Please give them much more than the disappointing amount of attention span you reserve for me!" Two blonde twentysomethings, a man and a woman, popped out of the locker rooms on cue. All toothpaste smiles, they strode confidently up to Mr. Roid. The blonde woman spoke first, carefully using only words of limited syllables.  
  
"Thanks, Ty! Hi, kids! I'm Betty, and this is my friend Brad. Can you say `Hi!' to Brad?" Silence. "Okay, then. Now, boys and girls, we have a ver-ry im-por-tant subject to speak to you about. But first, boys, you go with my friend Brad here to the locker room for your talk. And girls, you can stay out here with me. Doesn't that sound like oodles of fun?"  
  
"Bout as much fun as a slumber party at Beryl's place," Serena grumbled to herself as Melvin gave Molly a last kiss, then trudged to the locker room. Mr. Roid followed them in, shouting about "puny little weaklings that couldn't handle the smell of gym socks."  
  
"Allrighty then! Now girls--or should I say young ladies since you're so grown up!" Betty gave a hyena laugh. Vacant stares were her response. "Well, young ladies, I have an im-por-tant talk to give you. You're growing up quickly now. You're taller. You may have noticed other certain changes happening to your body recently. For example, more hair in places it wasn't before, or curves growing --"  
  
"BOOBS!!" Came a gleeful shout from under the bleachers. Serena jumped a foot in the air. Sammy peeked out from between Molly and her bookbag and laughed.  
  
"Get that freaking kid out from under the bleachers right now!" Betty screamed. Then she cleared her throat, and straightened her hair, suddenly all sugar. "I mean, ahem, of course, don't you think you should be in class right now, sweetie? I'm sure your teacher is missing you."   
  
Several girls hauled the boy out bodily, and threw him out the door. Sammy laughed all the way. He poked his head back in long enough to yell, "Serena stinks like a garbage can!" and point to his sister. She turned bright magenta and vowed to publish a picture of Sammy in his feetsie pajamas the next day. The girls tossed him back out and took guard posts at the door.  
  
"I'm sorry for that in-ter-rup-tion, girls. Boys can be so gross, can't they?" Betty winked conspiratorially, but got no reaction except for a nearly inaudible, "Not in bed, right, Moll?" from Serena. Molly teased back, "Don't you wish you knew?" They giggled until Betty asked them sweetly if they would like to share with the rest of the class. The girls looked at the floor mutely.  
  
"To continue. The, um, smell that that nasty boy was talking about is another one of the changes. It just means you're glands are changing, and deodorant could be useful to prevent the smell of sweat." More snickers from around Serena. Molly reached into a pocket of her backpack, pulled out some perfume, and politely handed it to her friend.  
  
"Also, some of you may have started your periods, which is when you bleed for a few days each month. It's on a lunar cycle, which is a fancy word meaning you usually have it during the same phase of the moon every month. A phase is each--"   
  
"So THAT'S why I use tampons! Here I thought it was just for the sheer hell of it!"  
  
"Okay, who was that?" Betty shrieked. "That stinkin' boy is outside, so it was one of you! You damn brats are showing absolutely NO respect to me at all. If you're not careful, I'll have to write a note to your parents!" Her eyes bugged out in her tantrum, and whoever had shouted out before now wisely kept silent. The girls were staring with dropped jaws at the freaked-out speaker. Betty took a deep breath and became Miss Sunshine again.  
  
"Well, if you girls are so smart and already know all about your cycle, let's move on to sex education," she smiled. Serena elbowed Molly and muttered, "Oh, yes, let's."   
  
The perky, "educational" speaker ignored them and kept going. "Now, when you really love a man, and hopefully you're married to him, you might choose to give him your most precious gift. When that day or night comes--"  
  
"You screw his brains out!" The shouter was back. Betty, thrown off balance for good, blew her top. She screamed at the top of her lungs and jumped around the middle of the gym. Her blond hair flew around her face as she stomped up to the bleachers. Girls scattered.   
  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! You goddamn kids have no respect, no respect at all! And if you don't want to listen to me, you can go ahead and do whatever you want without precautions. I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!!" Betty tore her hair out and, still howling, ran out the door and stumbled over Sammy. She got up and sprinted for the door like a Negamonster was after her. Sammy looked disappointed that they hadn't gotten to the video yet, but still was happy. He wandered into the gym unnoticed and took up his place under the bleachers for the next class.  
  
The girls in the gym cheered when Betty cleared the door. They immediately got into groups and started gossiping about makeup, movies and guys. Molly and Serena, however, couldn't so easily get over how Betty had freaked.  
  
"Did you see her eyes bug out? I can't believe she was actually serious about that trash. I mean, I'm nearly fifteen! I've known about all that gross-out stuff for years!" Serena shook her head in disbelief. Molly just laughed.   
  
"Oh my God, Serena. I thought you were the queen of mood swings, but she gets the crown! My world will never be the same again!" Molly gasped, pretending to be shocked.  
  
"Oh shut up! But that certainly did liven up my day. At least you have lots of fun information to share with Melvin!" Serena waggled her eyebrows, dodged a smack from Molly. "Denial, denial." Then she sighed. "Now today's definitely all downhill from here. Good thing there's only one hour of school left, and you're in it with me."  
  
Molly shrugged and smiled slyly. "Oh, I don't know. Last hour could still be fun. I've got some cool reading material." She reached into her backpack. "Have you read this?" Molly handed Serena a book.  
  
The title was Learn Ventriloquism in Three Easy Lessons.  
  
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OK, what did you think of my first attempt at humorous writing? I don't think Molly and Melvin have actually done anything bedroom-wise yet, but Serena sure loves to tease them. God that sounds obsessive, like I think they're real. If you DO think they're real, please seek help. Anyway, send comments to ebischoff@hotmail.com just so I know your opinion.  
  



End file.
